by - October 11, 2018

Trigger warning - This may contain memories which will cause upset to anyone who has experienced baby loss or near baby loss. 
This week is baby loss awareness week. I am 1 in 4 that have suffered baby loss, miscarriage or neonatal death.

I have two children but have been pregnant four times. 

I've written this post over and over again in my head trying to find the right words. How do you write something that is still so painful. I'll start by giving you a back story, I was 20 when I found out I was pregnant with my first it was a huge surprise. I was young and naive and had no reason to even contemplate something going wrong, I told friends and family almost as soon as I found out. It was a text book pregnancy and I gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy.

When I fell pregnant with my second I was much more aware of complications I had people around me who had suffered miscarriages and still births, but even then I told my close friends and family as soon as I knew. Why would I consider anything going wrong after I had a perfect pregnancy and labour with my first. Little did I know how incredibly lucky I had been, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl.

My third pregnancy wasn't the same. I started what I thought was a period on Wednesday 1st June 2016, nothing out of the ordinary, no signs anything was wrong. Saturday 4th June was when my world came crashing down around me, by lunchtime I was losing a worrying amount of blood so much so I was becoming dizzy and light headed. We decided to go to our local A&E department, all four of us. I lost a huge amount of blood whilst in the waiting room, almost collapsing they took me via wheelchair into the assessment area, I had to go alone, I was so scared of what was happening but Jay had to stay with the children as it was no place for them. I laid on the bed weak and fragile, they took my blood pressure and did the other checks and within 10 minutes I was moved to a side room. The consultant came in and examined me and make the immediate decision I needed emergency surgery. I was broken at the point I was alone, scared and feeling horrendous. The nurse covered me up and let my family come in. I remember them being so good sat wondering why on earth mummy was here, why was I sad, why the doctor was talking to me. Within an hour of arriving I was in surgery. It all happened so fast I was numb to the whole experience. I came round and was taken to the ward where the consultant told us I had had an incomplete miscarriage. I was numb, I didn't even know I was pregnant, somehow I had bypassed the fact I missed a period. They explained I probably had a missed miscarriage which was why I didn't have any symptoms. 

My fourth pregnancy. Saturday 13th January 2018 I had been out with my best friend watching her try on wedding dresses. On the way home I stopped off at my local Tesco and brought a pregnancy test. I knew I was pregnant I had that feeling and I was right two blue lines appeared on the test. We hadn't been trying but I was excited, we were excited. I told my friend when I saw her on Thursday we were laughing and joking about how I would be 8 months pregnant at her wedding. It was exciting and happy. That night the bleeding started it was light but I knew. The next day it happened. I was crushed, there is no preparation for how angry and distraught you will feel. Those ugly feelings creep in. Was I being punished for something? Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with me?

I had two miscarriages, both worlds apart. Both left me without a baby and both left me broken.  

People will be thinking, why is she writing this, why is she telling everyone what has happened to her. That alone is wrong, why is baby loss such a taboo subject? Why are we so afraid to tell people about our loss. Talking, writing and sharing are the best therapies. 

Losing a baby at anytime is incomprehensible, it's a pain like no other. That's why as women we should be coming together, sharing our experiences and making it normal to talk about. With out sharing who will support you? Who will understand why the question 'is there going to be any more' infuriates you. Who will understand why you feel jealousy and anger for someone who announces they're pregnant. Support is what you will need, keeping emotions so terrible locked up is not healthy. 

I was lucky, I have friends and family who I open up to and a husband who is incredibly supportive. Everybody who experiences baby loss should have access to that. That's why I've shared my story to raise one more piece of awareness that might give somebody the courage to get support, talk to someone or write down their experience. We need to make this subject normal.

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